“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
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[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
