“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
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no babe I love that you need to use the washroom because it coincides with my need to look at my phone for 3-7 minutes.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Important
I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:
“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.
Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.
Me: They’re right.
*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again
Ferrari squats
the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
I hope Alan is OK
