WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
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Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Only you can prevent podcasts
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Finally, an explanation.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*