WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
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A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
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“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Most fashion shows these days…
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Never be a pizza!
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!