WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
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Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
No laws when master is gone
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
what’s more important?
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Today I’m going to give it my almost
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?
Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
BRAKING NEWS!!
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it