Well, this certainly took a turn
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He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5
Hey bro pleas stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.