Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.

ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile

HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok

Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.

Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’

*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”

*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”

Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.

my gf left me bc i’m paranoid

nvm she’s back, she went pee

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now

Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*

I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.

Me: Do you have a Summer menu?

Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.

Me:

[family WhatsApp group]

me: I’ll visit this weekend

dad: OK

mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…

mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold

The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.

Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.

*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers

*watches slowest jousting match ever

I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖

🐷

🐽

Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?

Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.

His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.

Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.

My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.

Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?

Lmaoo 😂

[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?

[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]

To keep the peace

<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife

Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”

CDC ”Stop right there!!”

A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.

I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.

They wanted to talk to me about cheeses

When ur friends with white people

Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.