Well, this explains it:
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*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
my dad would read teen books as they were becoming popular so if we asked to read them he knew if they were appropriate, which means that he read the entire twilight saga before i did and was like, “i mean you can read it if you want but it’s really weird.”
If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
The Assassin.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Wife: “What did your teacher remember about September 11th?”
Nine-year-old: “She was only four then, she doesn’t remember it at all.”
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do