Well, this explains it:
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People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
No.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Nice try, NASA
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…