Well, this is awkward
You Might Also Like
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.