Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
You Might Also Like
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Breaking news:
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?