Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.

It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.

Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…

Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.

Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works

[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car

So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.

Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.

Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband

Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?

Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis

Priest: that’s not really-

Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”

Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this

I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.

Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.

[my kids walk in on me being murdered]

ME: call 911

KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?

I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.

“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”

-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side

I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.

I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.

So I get it, squirrels. I get it.

[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.

Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.

I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.

I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.

If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.

Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.

It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you

Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.

to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of

Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough

I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.