Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
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When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.