Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
You Might Also Like
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Guilty! 🤪
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on