well this is just bullshirt
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Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
why I oughta
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or