well this is just bullshirt
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Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
My goal for 2025 is to hang enough poetry in my bathroom that anyone who uses it comes out sobbing
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Seductively sings in Klingon.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
fedex driver: can i get a name?
sauron: i have many names
fedex driver: ok i just need one tho
Breaking news:
Hello Twits.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Just left the polling place and they’re…clapping? They’re saying I was the best voter and I was so easy to work with and listened to the instructions so well and I made all the correct choices and no ones ever done it as well as me before. The poll worker lady is crying