well this is just bullshirt
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if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?