well this is just bullshirt
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I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom
ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
…żyje?
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
i love meeting boys on tinder
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.