“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
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Cats (2019)
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it
Checkmate Jesus.
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
These are so Plastic Man-core
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word