Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes

Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!

Me: That’s a pretty good trade…

I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this

If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.

Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…

I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”

[dog on trial for murder]

lawyer: who’s a good boy?

dog: I am

lawyer: your honor I rest my case

Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?

Tomato: No.

age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing

What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it

Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.

my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow

me: yes

my mom today: do u work today

me: yes i already told u

my mom when i’m at work: where are u

My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.

Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.

Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.

It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.

*slams jug on counter*

Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.

Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.

Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups

Teacher: how should we punish the students?

Principal: make them stay home

Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..

Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it

I had two werewolves inside me, but I lost them both, so now I have wherewolves

I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas

My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.

Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.

Me: Will it make my dinner?

D: No but-

M: Good talk.

Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?

Her: Sparkling water.

“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.

Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?

Hitler

[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE

Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.

You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.

For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.

I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.

“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”

I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits