“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
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probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
never forget
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I’ve never undergone actual physical torture but yesterday I was on a Teams call with someone who said “yep, yep” about two dozen times.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.