Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: We need to talk

Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?

All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt

Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is

A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.

“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”

*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*

Put it all on Grey

I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN

What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog

Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard

Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.

♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫

The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.

i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life

I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.

Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*

I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!

Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.

Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it

[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes

Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.

I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.

I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses

99 bottles of beer on the wall?

Challenge accepted

ME: we should do this agai-

DATE: im busy that day

I think my mom just blocked me

And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.

Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up

I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.