“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
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EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk