“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
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Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
If you get an I Voted sticker for voting early, you should be able to scan it on your TV and all political ads should be replaced by normal commercials
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
You better wish for more oil
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?