“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
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Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree