“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
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Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.
Librarian: Oh, like the author!
Me: Huh?
Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!
Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.
Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.