Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”

Husband: Can you ever be serious?

Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.

After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜

Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano

*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message

My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.

You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.

Her: did you give the dog alcohol?

Me: no, why? Is he acting weird

Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/

It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”

I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.

my mom: you still coming over today?

me: definitely

mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—

me: i cant make it

Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*

Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it

Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!

[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?

You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.

Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.

I have the bruises of a much more active person.

Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.

Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?

Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.

Me: They’re ibuprofen.

[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder

Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.

Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.

I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.

Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?

I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.

Ain’t no mountain high enough

Ain’t no valley low enough

Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough

To keep me from yooou

[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied