well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
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Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
ME: I’m off to turn some tricks
WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.