well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
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My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.