The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
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“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.