Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!

how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?

A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.

I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.

Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.

If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.

Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”

I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.

*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.

I don’t understand what’s happening here.

There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx

*dog pokes me with nose*

*stop, it’s late*

(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)

*ugh, ok*

[sets up poker table for him and his friends]

Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀

My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.

Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.

55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans

My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs

So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer

I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.

To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.

It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.

Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries

Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.

I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.

heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt

heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat

Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”

Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”

*sees “The customer is always right” sign*

*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*

ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.

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Morningbreath

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[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today

can’t catch a break