Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.

“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off

Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk

~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.

-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.

it was a valiant fight

Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter

Theist: I can believe it

Agnostic: Just eat the toast

Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.

iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16

I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.

handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up

6:There’s a monster under my bed

Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM

6:SCREAMS

ME:KIDDING it only eats kids

You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork

1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*

The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.

Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.

[commercial for IKEA]

Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?

my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o n

me: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now

Flex on a demon by possessing it first.

My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.

Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.

I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.

what are they serving at kfc then???

“How is tofu made?”

Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….

Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.

Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.

I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.

Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny

Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”

Me: “Nope.”

Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”

Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?

Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better

each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it