Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
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Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”
Getting married soon just need a spouse
I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
True.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan