Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
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I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.