Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
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Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Get in loser we’re going crying
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
welp
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.