Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
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When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Happy Halloween 🎃
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine