Well well well…
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Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.