Well well well…
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Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
whenever I look up and see a security camera, I like to imagine there’s a guy in some secret control room somewhere in europe who calls his boss on his little headset and says “we’ve got him, sir. he just entered the south hall at the chipotle on main street”
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
boys are so easy to impress
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.