Well well well…
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Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
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[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
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No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
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Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”