Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
You Might Also Like
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
I am not a strong enough person to listen to my parents eat cereal
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask