Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
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Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 😠 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 😤 ENGLAND 😤
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”