Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.
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C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*