Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.

I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.

*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again

*getting the broom*

Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,

*at a restaurant, eating burgers*

Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”

Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”

Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*

Judas has been acting weird the last few days.

Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda

– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.

our love will go down in history

like the Hindenburg

Live, Laugh, Love

Leer, Lunge, Lactate

Do things that start with L

A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”

Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?

in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.

My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.

Me: So tired

Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…

M: Please don’t

B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?

Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them

No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.

“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”

-Cats

Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.

Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.

Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.

May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*

[applies for name change]

June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*

[leaves the country]

BOSS: your productivity has been low

ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week

BOSS: who?

ME: me

*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*

Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS

Wth?

*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer

Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake

If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?

doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live

I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?

Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”

Me: “That’s kind of the point.”

6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?

Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.

Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”