Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
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Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.