Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]

*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice

When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.

I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.

Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.

(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u

My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.

SNAIL: I’m a turtle?

GOD: No, you’re a snail

SNAIL: I have a shell

GOD: Yup

SNAIL: and I move really slowly

GOD: Yeah, all the time

SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?

GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing

[typing]

Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?

If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night

The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.

Perfect

Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.

Me: (awkward silence)

Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times

When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.

You’re welcome.

People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.

I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again

My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.

Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:

Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.

I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.

Twitter action film:

MAN 1: Follow me.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.

If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.

Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.

There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.

“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,

Pee on it and walk away.”

a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???

I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.

God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”

Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?

God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.

Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.

Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?

God: peanuts

Elephant: what?

God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*

Elephant:

God: all of them