well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
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[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.