Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.

in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down

Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower

I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.

I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.

me: *googling* am I dying

web md: nope just sad

me: oh good

web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh

me: that’s fair

web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent

me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again

The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.

Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch

“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy

“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer

Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.

I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.

You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*

*dressed a toddler

[Watching Alien: Resurrection]

*Alien dies*

Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.

Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.

The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on

As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.

you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy

Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.

Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.

Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.

British meanings of “you look well”

1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…

“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world

Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too

5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me

4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube

‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.

you: let’s get this bread

j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye

Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.

“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”

~All accountants

Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.

Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.

My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson