Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
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[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
God has abandoned us.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Got fired from my job at the zoo because I kept trying to wax the turtles
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
My parents just informed me that I can’t come in their house to pee unless I leave my 9lb Chihuahua outside. I’m officially peeing in their yard now, and will only attend the outdoor portion of their funerals 😂