Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace

*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?

New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!

Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.

Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.

therapist: what are you afraid of?

me: nothing

therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all

Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:

Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.

Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.

I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.

Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.

(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT

god: here are the animals

man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes

My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.

Me: Where’s Ken?

3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.

I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.

German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s

coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december

me: stop living in the past

Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?

How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?

Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.

If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.

I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now

Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.

I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”

Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!

Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.

a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do

Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.

Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.

you should be ashamed of yourself, is this how you want that email to find you ?

You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*

Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.

Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.