Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
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H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work