Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
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I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Them: are you busy right now
Me: (just laid down) yes
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!