Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
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cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
It’s Monday, but at what cost?
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.