Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
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I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired: