Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
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Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
is he marrying that labradoodle
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
I hate when interviewers ask a second place finisher about not coming in first but I love this response from Andreas Reiterer.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?