Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.

“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”

Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!

Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?

Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.

No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.

now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.

[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry

Stages of gardening:

1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening

My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today

Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.

Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.

I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.

A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.

My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried

I have two arms and should easily overpower him

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.

CHEF: Thank you.

ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai

Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”

Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”

The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.

It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.

Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier

My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late

a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables

I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.

Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario

You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.

trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter

I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?

4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*

*puts on ballerina shoes*

*puts on ballerina tiara*

Me: Who are you supposed to be?

4: A ninja.

[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.

Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.