Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
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SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
finally
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.