Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
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Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me