Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house

Nah, I ain’t distracted.

If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”

GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!

ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.

[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]

“It’s negative”

Lemme see it

[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’

Wow that’s really negative

911, what’s your emergency?

Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand

Are you left handed?

No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button

Okay but why are you whispering?

I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel

just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine

I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.

Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.

I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.

[Marvel pitch meeting]

“C’mon, just hear me out…”

“The answer is still no, Ted.”

“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”

– People who haven’t met me yet

I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.

ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no

me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that

If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.

*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come

Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.

If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.

I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…

I hope everything is ok.

*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*

*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*

Smallpox sounds so adorable

Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?

88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.

I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.

DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON

When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.

I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.

[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?

DATE: The worst night of my life

ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail

some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”

I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.