Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.

The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.

I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”

Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?

Daughter: I don’t know.

Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.

As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.

If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.

The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.

FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.

Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.

[inventor of teapot]

“I want this water to scream”

What i said : I really like this song

What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes

And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.

Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.

Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.

Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*

Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.

Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!

Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.

I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.

Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.

if a cop pulls u over play dead

Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is

A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.

Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*

Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*

Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.

Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.

Otters drive ottermobiles.

[first date]

her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?

me : at our daughter’s piano recital

I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.

“Can I have a pound of onions please.”

“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”

“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”