Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
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If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”