Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
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CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Every work meeting this week
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Running from your problems is cardio .
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine