Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
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This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Sometimes I spell my name (bob) backwards just to see who’s paying attention.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
city officials are like “those potholes are supposed to be there.”
I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*