Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.

Me: I have a lot of work to do.

Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait

[first day as astronaut]

*vomits

Me: That’s normal, right?

Instructor: Not during a written exam, no

If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”

“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛

goldiesglobe

“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late

“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late

“in traffic” = just got in a car

“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago

Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.

The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.

Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage

I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.

Simultaneously brilliant and awful.

*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f

I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended

Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.

Sounds like my sex life at the moment

An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.

me: how much for the funny smelling spray?

employee: perfume?

me: no, the whole bottle

A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time

every single time

Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!

[on stage]

me: *takes a bow* thank you

Violinist: hey, I need that

If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.

Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.

Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.

Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.

“Please let go of my hair”

-my gynaecologist

The old gods are rising again.

Dating in your 50’s is great!

Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh

I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.

My parents moved a lot when I was younger.

My sister and I always managed to track them down though.

Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.