Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
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@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
see you in hell you stupid fruit
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
My boss just texted me and said,“Send me one of your funny jokes please.”
I replied “ I’m working hard at the moment,I will send you one later.”He replied, “That was fantastic,send me another one.”
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Brain: that was a good cookie
Body: here’s 4 pounds