Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
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When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Can we stop calling it autocorrect and call it what it is… auto-guesstimate-entirely-inaccurately
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Thank you 🥹
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.