Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
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gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
If your so called friends come out of the woodwork when you’re successful I have news for you. Your friends are probably termites. Humans can’t do that. Congrats on the success tho.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.