Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!

Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.

“How do you speak with an American accent?”

“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”

Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now

7am: *starts diet*

7pm: *eats the house*

Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste

Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale

They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.

‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.

me: i just saw a huge rat

starbucks employee: what

me: sorry i just saw a venti rat

employee: omg where

wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car

i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself

thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation

Her: Can I sit down & join you?

Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.

Her: Oh, no you’re not!

Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…

this has to be peak English

spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability

Nosey, gossipy neighbour has fallen out with most of the street at some point. 10 years ago she had her lawn replaced with white pebbles. Every work day since I’ve lobbed my chewing gum on there. I reckon there’s now more gum than pebbles.

For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me

[Diner]

Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free

*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*

my 6 year-old: im a police

*quits Twitter to spend time with family*

*remembers what family is like*

*quits family for Twitter*

You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”

Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds

People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.

Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:

1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab

One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.

*stares into the abyss

The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.

me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg

her: your legs do look longer

me: oh no

her: i’m joking

me: hi joking i’m—OH NO

What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?

[Hardware store]

ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*

WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up

ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET