Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I said, ‘No’”

– me, about to give my dog my sandwich

My diet plan consists of multiple naps.

Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.

Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.

Bought a new exercise program

Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort

So I did

Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.

My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.

Merica.

[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent

Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.

I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.

*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice

3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.

So the weekend is off to a great start.

I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.

But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.

twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff

I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.

I hate everything

[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]

Me: ya know you can fly !

No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.

*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?

I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.

I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.

I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.

My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?

Me : Because a good employee is hard to find

goldfish mafia

[Road trip]

me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on

kids: it’s just a blank CD

me: SHHH

[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!

I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women

My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…

[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect