Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
You Might Also Like
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Found my door mat
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
mfs be saying “feb” cause they can’t spell februawary
A flock of dads is called a grill.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.
Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
My colleague struggled to say “think before you speak” and kept saying “speak before you speak” and I had to physically remove myself so I wouldn’t speak before I speak.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
*aggressively waits in line*
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??