Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
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none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
How to properly lift a body
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
We told you to stop at 2012
– the mayans
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.