Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…
But that’s how Julius Caesar.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one