Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
You Might Also Like
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.