well well well, if it isn’t the holiday weight i said i wouldn’t have to worry about
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Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
[bedtime]
daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping
me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first
daughter: …
me: night, sweetheart
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.