WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
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[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Godspeed, John Glenn
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?