Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
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Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
But wait…
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
I’d like to formally apologize to everyone I’ve ever mocked for leaving their holiday lights up all year. You were visionaries, and I am now your disciple.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything
Thinking of taking Easter decorations down
Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.