Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.

Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!

HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP

My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.

Oh. My. God.

Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.

Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.

Me: Pikachu, I choose you!

Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet

I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain

I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)

If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.

* has cake for breakfast

* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber

* blames running shoes

Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs

I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.

me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape

kidnapper: 😳

Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea

🤣

[marriage counseling]

She’s always getting mad at me

“There’s a shark living in our pool”

IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN

Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.

Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.

You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?

Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit

People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.

I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book

Black ice is just like regular ice…

Except it’s a better dancer…

If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly

MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?

“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion

They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.

Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….

The thief is spending less
than my wife did.

Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.