WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
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Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
be careful
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall