Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
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Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
these can’t be my only options
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
being a writer on Twitter:
A bed and breakfast with an oxygen bar. Call it an Air B&B.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”
Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.